Sunday, January 10, 2010

thinking thinking thinking

I seem to be in constant thought these days. I am either thinking about food, kids, cars, money, or marriage. We will start with my thoughts on food. I love food! I miss food! lol that pretty much sums it up. haha I am still doing well on my diet. I backtracked just a little during the holidays but i am back at it and smaller then i have been since,hmm goodness, probably since before i turned 21. So that is very good news. I am pretty sure I will have to buy a whole new wardrobe for summer time. =)

The kids are always on my mind and i am pretty sure every parent out there feels like that. I constantly worry about whether i am doing the very best i can with them. I hope i play with them enough, spend enough time individually with them, feed them healthy enough food, help their imaginations soar, teach them to love the arts of all kinds (music, theatre, drawing, etc.), teach them to love themselves and others. I fear i lack in a lot of the areas i always felt i would be good at. I know i dont hit all of these points each day but i sure hope i am doing something right. My poor little Kayden is constantly testing me and does not seem to be afraid of anything. I wonder if I have done something to make her this rebelious or if there is a reason i cannot win this power struggle she is constantly bringing to me. i really hope it is just a stage and she will grow out of it and i really hope we make it through this stage sain. lol

We are down to one car in our family and that one car is going to die any day so needless to say it is another stress i am constantly thinking about. My poor little van is constantly shutting off on us and has just recently starting doing it while going 40 miles an hour down the road. Plus the heater has gone out in the front of the van so i stay freezing the whole time. We are looking for Darren a truck but a 4 door truck so if mine breaks down we can share it again as well. Not having a lot of luck there. It wouldn't be as stressful if him or I had fabulous credit where we could get a low interest loan but we dont so finding something nice in a price range we can afford even with a very high interest rate is proving difficult. No fun at all. Not to mention me not working makes it very scary to get a car payment and increase our insurance bill right now, which brings us to money.....

I love staying home but on the downside of that one income means going without a lot of things. Which is fine but when things like needing a new vehicle comes up it can be a lot scarrier then if we had two incomes coming in. I have been thinking alot about ways to make extra money for us. I am really thinking of selling some homemade items through etsy or the flea market or something. I am not sure though i get really freaked out starting anything new and like all new things it would be risky. I could set it up and no one like anything i make and then be out all the materials. Plus i am so not business savvey. So these are still rolling around in my mind but i am seriously tempted. I would like to make little dresses, bloomers, infant shoes, clutch purses, ties ( i really want darren and the boys to wear matching ties for our next pics hehe wonder if i could get him to)vests, lamp cord covers, hair bows, and tons of other things. anyway we shall see on that one. obviously you will all know if i choose to do it. =)

Last but not least marriage. I leave 5 weeks from Thursday for my five year anniversary honeymoon. lol I am so excited. It will be the longest i have ever been away from the kids but i know they will be in good hands with my mom and papoo and my aunt Kathy is coming down friday to help for the weekend as well. I am looking foward to 4 days of doing absolutely nothing but being together in quiet harmony. haha I think i will finish the last three Karen Kingsbury books since i only read the first one in the series before school kept me to busy to continue. The last 5 years have gone by really quickly. I guess when you have 3 kids during that time it helps speed things up. I am very blessed to have Darren in my life. He is a very great guy and we have done a lot of growing up together. He has changed so much since i first met him but in very good ways. I feel guilty sometimes because there are moments when i think about the guy i always dreamed about and the type of person i wanted to grow old with. I sometimes wish i had done things differently. I know that sounds aweful and there is really no way to put that without sounding bad but those are my thoughts sometimes so i am putting them out there. I hope i am not the only person who has ever felt this way. Now let me clarify what i mean by that. I LOVE Darren and i am VERY HAPPY we are married. He is the one I chose and i will remain with him until the day one of us dies or he leaves me, which hopefully that will never happen. I just always imagined myself with a Godly man, whom i met at church. And i think that is a huge difference between us. Not that i am leading by example and going to church like i should and i curse myself every Sunday knowing i am not teaching my kids what i want them to learn. I want them to be a part of church. But i totally 100% believe in God and all that he has done and is going to do for us. Darren does not feel this way. I think our lives would be a lot different if God was leading us. All of the church going couples i know seem so happy all the time and really seem like partners. Sometimes i just dont quite feel that. I also chalk this up to my very wild imagination. I have always lived in somewhat of a "dream" world. i did not come from a home with two parents and my dad was a verbally and physically abusive man to my mom while they were married so when i am with him i sometimes get appoligies for things like when he kicked my mom in the stomach while she was pregnant with me. I think it is because of this i made up how families should be and always expected my life to be like that. Well life is not perfect and obviously in my fantasies life was perfect so i think i still sometimes get fantasy confused with reality. That is why i am trying to work very hard at loving Darren for who he is and not who i think he should be. I am trying to look at all of our positives together (which is the majority btw) and not dwell on negatives (cause i tend to do that sometimes as though i like being miserable). I am looking at these past five wonderfully stressful(kids lol) years as a trial run to our next 20. Each year our lives have gotten better and i do look foward to seeing that trend continue for a long long time. BTW Darren would kill me if he knew i wrote this but the other night he told me i was his timex (ahh love) hehe sometimes he tries so hard to be romantic. =)

Thanks for listening to my ramblings