For the past week I have been in a funk. I feel like I need a break from home for some serious me time. I hate when I feel like this and I always feel so guilty and selfish when i do. I LOVE being a stay at home mom. It is very rewarding and I can not imagine being anywhere else. But it would be kind of nice if i could get a break every now and again. Darren has been working so much the last few months. He is not even home during the kids waking hours except for 30 minutes at lunch during which time he is shoving food down his face and rushing back out. He has even been going in on the weekends. Kayden seems to do the opposite of everything i say and i have no idea how to fix this problem. I sure dont feel like i am doing it right though because she is not learning and it does nothing but make me feel like poo. Dalten himself has even been back talking. That darn school is really teaching him. lol I am just hoping they grow out of these stages soon before i lose my mind. Anyway with all that being said I hope you can understand why i just want a few hours by myself so that i can regroup and come back a better mom.
Earlier this week I was reading a blog I follow that mentioned a blog she has been following this past year. the Williams family blog. i decided to check this blog out and spent over an hour reading all her blogs and bawling my eyes out. She has two sons, her first born Gabe was still born, and her second son Jonah was born with a rare hereditary disease called EB. The Dr's believe this is what killed their first son as well. i don't remember all the specific symptoms to write on here but the outward one that is unforgettable is that his skin falls off or blisters at the touch. They have to keep him in wraps and pray that they do not get infected. He is literally in pain because of this disease. Can you imagine your child hurting all the time? I cannot! This absolutely killed me. I have 3 beautiful healthy babies and pray i never have to share in the despair so many families have gone through. It sure puts things in perspective when you read about others tragedies and realize just how many blessings have been stowed upon you. Needless to say that was my regrouping session and i felt i was a much better mom today.
On a side note, pray for me that one day i will find a way to raise money for charities such as this one. I dont have extra money to give but i have the want to give it. There are so many charities i want to give too and i just know one day i will be able to. I do not want to see children suffering!
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I'm sure I told you about a couple months ago when I sat on the porch and just cried and cried because I was so frustrated by the kids behavior. Those who say it gets easier as they get older (once you pass the diaper and bottle stage) are LYING!! I think it has gotten harder as the kids start school. Not only is time harder to come by due to homework and other activities, but behavior issues have definitely come in to play. I don't like the attitudes that they have been learning from school. I totally understand your feelings (is what I'm trying to say, LOL). I can't imagine being home full-time with three kids. I would go batshit apecrazy!! You deserve some "me" time. That time to regroup is necessary, but I know it's so hard to come by when Darren is working so much. I wish I could offer to help but I'm never even home. At least that's what it feels like these days:( Don't feel guilty for these feelings...they are absolutely normal--and admitting that you need some time is necessary. It's not healthy to hold it in, or you will start being resentful. I hope you are able to find a balance in some small way!! Have you looked in to maybe finding an affordable (or even DHS covered) program that the kids could go to for a few hours a week? The social interaction would be good for them, and the time would be good for you!
Great Jess thanks for spoiling my fantasy of them getting better as they get older. lol I am hoping Darren will slow down soon but he has gotten better at giving me a little break when he gets home. I think it is because i finally expressed how bad i need one. I am so awful at telling him things I need or want. i wonder why that is. It's like i want an excuse to get frustrated with him. lol But i am working on it.
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